As a woman and a feminist, I know I’m supposed to find sexy Halloween costumes offensive, but I think they’re some of the funniest costumes out there. Let’s face it—the world is a scary place right now, especially for women, and if it makes you laugh to dress up as a sexy pirate or a sexy hamburger, I say go for it. We all need a self-care break once in a while, and if wearing thigh-highs and a bustier in public makes you feel good about yourself, what are you waiting for? Put ‘em on.
Here are some ideas to get you started.
The Flirty Giraffe
One of the only store-bought sexy Halloween costumes I own is Yandy.com’s “Flirty Giraffe” costume, and it’s far more silly than sexy. A few years ago, I shared a link to it on Facebook because it made me laugh a lot, and my sister bought it for me as a surprise. I ended up wearing it to a Halloween party, because what the hell else was I going to do with it? I’m unusually tall, which works with the giraffe theme, but that also meant the costume itself was obscenely short. Judging by the length, it was designed to be nearly-indecent on a much smaller person. I borrowed a tutu from a friend to add extra length and made it work.
Unfortunately there’s probably not an easy way to make this costume yourself unless you’re one of those super crafty types. But considering how ridiculous it is, this one might just be worth the purchase, especially for my fellow tall folks.
The Bad Ninja
Yandy is definitely the go-to website for sexy Halloween costumes, even if you’re just looking for DIY costume ideas. Some of their funniest options would be really easy to recreate at home.
Yandy calls this one a “Bad Ass Ninja,” but I think that’s misleading. Really, this woman is just a bad ninja. Ninjas are supposed to be good at sneaking around. They’re known for espionage, martial arts skills, and murder. Instead of soft-bottomed shoes so she can move quietly, this woman is wearing a pair of chunky-heeled boots (these are probably the noisiest shoes she owns). In this outfit, she won’t exactly blend in with the crowd, either. Sure, her face is partially covered, but her body is nearly nude and wrapped in bright red rope. She’d be impossible not to notice.
Recreate the look
Wear the stompiest shoes you have, a black scarf, and whatever amount of black clothing feels appropriate to you. (Sexy bad ninja or regular bad ninja? It’s your call!) Accessorize with a bright red rope. This is a great costume for someone like me who is awkward because if you walk into something or spill a drink, you can laugh it off and say, “See? I’m such a bad ninja!”
The Self-Destructive Vampire
Yandy calls this one the “To Die for Vampire,” but I prefer to think of it as a bad (or self-destructive) vampire. While the high collar and thirsty expression align with vampire lore, she is wearing a cross necklace! I’m no vampire expert, but I know people wear crosses to keep vampires away. This woman might as well be wearing a belt made of garlic and spritzing herself with holy water. If you’re going to be a vampire, stand out from the others by dressing as one that’s really struggling with it. It’s funnier, and this way you don’t actually have to bite anyone.
Recreate the look
You can probably find everything you need in your closet. If you have a cape left over from a previous Halloween costume, wear that over your gothiest outfit. (No cape? Get one at the nearest Halloween store.) Accessorize with an oversized cross, a garlic braid, and a spray bottle of “holy water.” Drink anything but blood.
Use Your Imagination (And Google)
You can literally make anything sexy on Halloween nowadays, and I think that’s pretty great. Want to try it? Put the word sexy in front of any noun or profession, and google it. Chances are someone in the world has dressed as that exact same sexy thing at some point. It’s the magic of the internet!
There are a few essential characteristics that make sexy Halloween costumes. No matter what you wear, you’ll probably want to keep your thighs bare, and most sexy costumes require a pair of wildly-inappropriate shoes. Sexy SWAT team member? The tallest boots you own. Sexy pineapple? Stilettos for sure. Sexy smartphone? Platform heels and thigh-highs. If you’re dying to wear sneakers with your sexy costume because you know you’ll be walking a lot on Halloween night, that’s fine. Go as a sexy ballplayer—but be sure to leave your pants at home.
When In Doubt, Go With Current Events
I know I said Halloween was my distraction from political stress, but my favorite 2018 costume on the Yandy site has to be the “Sexy Anonymous Op-Ed.” It’s crazy that we live in a world where a senior White House official publishes an anonymous op-ed criticizing the president. But Yandy, as always, takes our weird reality to an even more bizarre level:
It almost convinces me to let go of all hopes at normalcy and lean into the insanity by wearing it as a costume. Of course, $54.95 isn’t cheap. If that exceeds your costume budget (which it should—save that money, girl!) or it’s too late to shop online by the time you read this, DIY it! Get crafty and create your own “sexy anonymous op-ed” costume with a few newspapers and some packing tape. Using actual newspaper means you can even recycle it after the party.
See? Sexy Halloween costumes aren’t so bad when they have a sense of humor. Wear those heels, rock that bustier, and most importantly, make it your own!
Bonus: Check out this compilation of sexy costumes moms already own — including everything from Fifty Shades of Mysterious Stains to The Mopping Mistress — for more silly spooky inspo.
